I have a collection of watches. Not because I am a watch connoisseur but because I am obsessed with time; constantly recalling the past and worrying about the future. This practice has held me bound — stuck in place for several years. Too afraid to move forward due to the fear of repeating past mistakes. Or even worse, suffering from the unexpected tragedies that befell so many that I cared about as a child. It is as if looking at my watch is a way to past the time safely until I die. If I can make it just one more day in safety, I have been successful.
“Death is the mirror in which the entire meaning of life is reflected.” – Ernest Holmes
This occurred to me after a recent session with my spiritual practitioner, Joan Coletto. When I arrived at her house for my appointment, I was tired and sad. Suffering from a cold, low energy and an ache in my heart. I felt an intense loneliness and grief that I could not describe. She asked me to think back to the first time I felt this feeling.
The image which came to mind was of a 4-year-old me sitting on an apartment floor sobbing. My house had just been robbed and not only did the people take my favorite items, they stole a precious pure bred dog that I was deeply attached too. Snowball was pure white, fluffy and a sweet heart who often kept me company and showed me constant affection. It was a devastating loss.
Joan then asked me what beliefs developed from this experience. They were:
- It is dangerous to have nice things because people will take them from you.
- Someone wanted to hurt me and my mom.
- You should not be too happy because people will want to hurt you.
Tears were streaming down my face during the entire time I was talking. As I pictured the scenario, I seemed to feel the experience as if it was happening again. Joan then asked where in my body I felt this grief. It was my stomach. The place where I hold most of my feelings and try to numb them with food.
We moved forward in my memories to a time when I was a little bit older where my beliefs were effecting how I experienced the world. After a few moments, I saw myself as an lonely 8-year-old riding my bike in circles around a school yard. Several feet away were kids playing and making happy noises. I looked longingly at them but did not try to join the group. I was afraid they would hurt me through rejection.
Back to present day, much of the time I am alone. Usually it is okay because I want to be alone and was used to the isolation. But things have changed. I have connected with several loving people at Bodhi Spiritual Center. There is a level of consistent intimacy in my life that was never there before. So this weekend, when I was following my usual habits of indulging in isolation, I felt intense sadness. Being disconnected is no longer who I am. It is no longer what I want.
“Nature will not let us stay in any one place too long. She allows us to stay just long enough to gather the experience necessary to the unfolding and advancement of the soul.” – Ernest Holmes
It is time for me to live in the present. To accept that I am no longer stuck. To let go of my preoccupation and fear of time and to move forward. Time to unbound my soul and be free like I am meant to be.
With Hope and Love,