Healing Checkpoint – April 2017

This is my first checkpoint since starting my spiritual and physical healing in March 2017 – one month after experiencing a physical crisis. Some in the spiritual community refer to this time that often starts the spiritual awakening process as ‘A Dark Night of the Soul‘.

According to Mateo Sol, “The Dark Night of the Soul is a period in life in which we feel cut off from God, or the Divine. When we go through a Dark Night of the Soul, we feel empty, lost, lonely, isolated, depressed, anxious, scared and uncertain. Often we experience a Dark Night of the Soul after major life changes, such as starting or changing jobs, moving countries, divorcing, losing a loved one or succumbing to a serious illness. Here is a high-level timeline of events that lead me there:

1971 – I was born in Meridian, Mississippi and my mom moved us to Chicago to live with relatives. She was only 16 years old. My dad went away to college and later married someone else.

1976 – Experienced first trauma of loss when my house was robbed and my beloved dog “Snowball” was stolen with many other valued items. I still have the memory of myself as a little girl sitting on the floor sobbing. My mind could not process why someone would take my beloved pet or anything from me. It was such a violation. Particularly, because even at that age, I knew my single mom worked very hard to get me and my brothers the toys we wanted. They even took the sewing machine that gave her so much pride and joy in making our clothes. It was also the way she would relax. I loved to sit and watch my mom sew.

1977 – Went to live in Arkansas with my brothers’ aunt. During that time, I experienced emotional, sexual and physical abuse. This was the first time my mom was hospitalized for schizophrenia. Due to her resistance to taking the medication which caused seizures, she would start self-medicating with narcotics and have to be hospitalized several times over the following years.

1978 – 1989 I continued living with the abusive aunt off and on as my mom was ill. During the intermittent times of living with my mom who was deep in her drug addiction, I survived attempted rape and molestation.

1990 – Went to live with my mom permanently after standing up to my abusive aunt who promptly told me I was no longer welcomed in her home since I could not behave. Mind you, after all her abuse, my only act of rebellion was to squint my eyes and ball up my fists when she hit me. I guess she could tell what I was thinking.

1991 – My life changed when I met my husband Bernard. At the time, I was attending a party with my highschool boyfriend. I had hopes of attending college during this time but was struggeling to graduate as I missed a lot of classes due to depression.

1993 – Joined the Marines and mid-way through bootcamp I received a call notifying me my mom died in an apartment fire. This was a blow, not only because of my love for her but because my future plans included obtaining a home and taking care of my mom. She suffered a lot in her life and I wanted her later years to be better. That opportunity was taken away from both of us.

1997 – Graduated college and began a technology consulting career traveling the world and experiencing new things.

2001 – Diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer in left breast. I underwent lumpectomy surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.

2003 – Diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer in the right breast. Treatment included lumpectomy surgery and radiation. I started psychotherapy for depression after this diagnosis and still see a therapist every week.

2015 – Diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in the left breast. Treatment included a double-mastectomy and chemotherapy. I declined radiation due to a concern for irreversible tissue and nerve damage.

2016 – A co-worker told me about Bodhi Spiritual Center and how it changed her life. I attended for the first time in November 2016 and became an official member in March 2017.

2017 – Laid off my job. At the time I was working very long hours and experiencing chronic pain. The lay-off was a relief. I finally felt free to rest and take care of myself.

This timeline tracks a lot of trauma for one soul but I survived at a great cost. I had a fractured sense of self and no concept of self-love. With the team of coaches and healers I have surrounded myself with within the last month, I am already seeing great improvements. I plan to write more about my team of coaches and possibly interview each of them separately for the blog.

My health and wellness coach, Drew Bales, took these photos of me at the beginning of our first training session.

It was a great day. I was just telling Drew about the Bodhi Forgiveness workshop I attended and we walked by the painted word on the ground. He said we had to take a photo. I took it as a sign we were meant to work together. As he started to position himself for the photo, I said ” I really don’t want to be in a photo”, and he said “That’s exactly why you should do it”. It’s at that moment of laughter and joy that he snapped one of the photos.

That just goes to show you that there is joy along any journey. You just need to be open to the possibility of change and healing. My journey has just started.

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